Fri. 5.10.13 @ 10:14

I am overwhelming blessed, reminiscing as the times of my past. Living in the Amador County Veterans Organization Vet. Housing in Jackson, CA ~ I have had this time opportunity to condense and organize for my future and re-organize my past, old thoughts and patterns to be more in alignment with my new self the Father is shaping in me. 

Going through past memories of school athletics, friendships, and military service ~ I am so grateful to my friends who wrote to me while I was living on those battleships in the U.S. Navy.  

My  21st birthday was spent on "restriction" in the Navy from my liberty and freedom, for being identified as not having followed the Uniform Code of Military Justice properly. During this time, my shipmates brought cards to me, as I laid stuck in my rack, struck with deep depression, sadness, of regrettable actions that I had once again been charged with living my authentic life….I was addicted to drinking alcohol and chose this activity to allow myself to escape mental strongholds (I immaturelly allowed myself to believe) that I was then able to speak, live free and comfortably in my body. Even if I wasn't able to remember the next day to who those actions belonged.  

I joined the Navy September 6, 2001 at the age of 18, I decided at 17 that I wanted to serve my country and earn the opportunity claim my now Bachelors of Science degree in Human Services and Management and Associate of Arts degree  in Information Technology and Networking. 

By the age of 19, I had been hit for the first time hard with the reality of a Captain's Mast.  I was suspend to living 24/7 on the ship (although we were out to sea) for 90 days (my command, gratefully released me earlier, as we pulled back into port), a reduction in my rate of pay and rank, until the allotted time frame, in service for Homosexual Conduct and Fraternization with my then BM1, as I was in the Deck Department as an Undesignated Seaman. 

I was disgusted with my actions, however, tainted by my chosen influences.  To the point that I thought I wanted to no longer live on this Earth…the thought of being dishonorably discharged, the disgrace of being labeled as incapable of completing my fulfillment, of service, my commitment to my career and life, I imagined was over~ I held so much value in this title, this position, this uniform.  

I was not sad that my Command new I was queer, I was disgusted with the thought that I was doing a dis-service to myself, my family, and my country, because I was queer.  Yes, I had thought about not breathing again, I did not process the how to's, and when I imagined my family not being able to see my smile anymore; that thought made my heart sink even worse. I knew that the thoughts suicide were not my own, but hand been planted as devilous desire to see me fail. 

Speaking to my Parents, Grandparents, Sister, and the Angles God places in my path helped to shine light on my situation.  I felt the Lord holding me as I laid in my rack weeping, feeling insecure, and frightened for my future.  

Although, I had some tumultuous times while serving as an enlisted young, female, sailor. The Lord taught me to be faithful, patient, and preserver because He will provide a right and just path for my feet to travel.  How unfortunate the events had to occur for me to get to where I was going, I'm blessed to have LIVED through. The people I have had the opportunity to meet, the friendships I have been able to to make, the memories I have to keep and testimony I have to share of un-shattering belief that something better is just around the corner only "One Prayer Away.